I really don’t like guns

An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he called his grandson to his bed,
“Grandson, I want you to listen me. I want you to take my 45 automatic pistol, so you will always remember me.”

“But grandpa I really don’t like guns, how about you leaving me your Rolex watch instead.”

“You listen to me, some day you are going to run a bussiness, you are going to have a beautiful wife, a lot of money, a big home and maybe a couple of bambino. Some day you come home and may find your wife in the bed with another man. What you will do then? Point to your watch and say, ‘TIME IS UP’?”

What are you doing father?

A boy goes to Confession he saw the priest playing with himself.
Boy ” What are you doing father”
Priest “Its called masturbation and soon you will be doing it”
Boy ” Why do you say that father”
Priest ” Cause my hand is getting tired”

You see all these sheep here?

Whenever a baby was born to this outback African tribe it was cause for great celebration and merriment as the future of the tribe would continue to survive.
However, on the last occasion there was a bit of concern as the baby was white and the only person around for 500 miles that was white was the missionary.

The Chief calls him into his hut and explains the problem and highlights his accusation. The Missionary is put on the spot and slowly strokes his chin, thinking.
” I see your dilemma Oh great Chief. Come with me. ”
They go outside and over to the sheep pen.
“You see all these sheep here? They are all white except that one over there that is black. I will do a deal with you. You do not say anything about the kid and I won’t tell anyone about the sheep, okay ?”

We have a special this week

A priest was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave the confessional unattended, he called his rabbi friend from across the street and asked him to cover for him. The rabbi told him he wouldn’t know what to say, but the priest told him to come on over and he’d stay with him for a little bit and show him what to do.

The rabbi comes and he and the priest are in the confessional. In a few minutes a woman comes in and says “Father forgive me for I have sinned.” The priest asks “What did you do?”. The woman says “I committed adultery.” Priest: “How many times?” Woman: “Three times.” Priest: “Say two Hail Mary’s, put $5 in the box and go and sin no more.”

A few minutes later a man enters the confessional. He says “Father forgive me for I have sinned.” Priest: “What did you do?” Man: “I committed adultery.” Priest:”How many times?” Man: “Three times.” Priest: “Say two Hail Mary’s put $5 in the box and go and sin no more.”

The rabbi tells the priest that he thinks he’s got it so the priest leaves.

A few minutes later another woman enters and says “Father forgive me for I have sinned.” Rabbi: “What did you do?” Woman: “I committed adultery.” Rabbi: “How many times?” Woman: “Once.” Rabbi: “Go do it two more times. We have a special this week, three for $5.”

What is in the other sack?

A cop sees an old woman carrying two large sacks. One of the sacks has a hole and is leaking 20 dollar bills.

The cop asks the woman, “Where did an old lady like you get all of that money?”

She replies, “Well, there’s a golf course behind my house and when golfers need to go to the bathroom, they stick their penis through a hole in my fence and pee into my yard. It became a problem because it kills the flowers.”

The cop asks, “So what did you do about it?”

The old lady says, “I get my hedge clippers and I wait behind the fence. When a golfer sticks his penis through the fence, I grab a hold of it and shout GIVE ME $20 OR IT COMES CLEAN OFF!”

“That seems fair enough,” the cop says, “so what’s in the other sack?”

The old lady replies with, “Not everyone pays…”

I rubbed the money against the pan

A man goes to church and tells the priest “Father, I almost cheated on my wife.”

The priest asks him “How do you almost cheat on your wife?”

The man says “Well, me and the woman were naked but we just rubbed against each other.”

The priest looks at him disgusted and says “Rubbing is the same as putting it in. Never do it again, say five Hail Mary’s and put $100 in the donation pan.”

The next time the priest sees the man he is infuriates “You didn’t put $100 in the pan!”

The man looks at the priest disgusted and says “I rubbed the money against the pan, and rubbing is the same as putting it in.”

She could help the gentleman with…

A man went into a pharmacy and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist and that she and her sister owned the store, so there were no males employed there. She asked if there was something which she could help the gentleman with.

The man said that it was something that he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist.

The female pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional and whatever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she would treat him with the highest level of professionalism.

The man agreed and began by saying, “This is tough for me to discuss, but I have a permanent erection. It causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment. So I was wondering what you could give me for it?”

The pharmacist said, “Just a minute, I’ll go talk to my sister.”

When she returned, she said, “We discussed it at length and the absolute best we can do is, 1/3 ownership in the store, a company car, and $3000 a month living expenses.

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