You can not even walk!

A cop pulls a guy over for suspected drunk driving. The cop opens the door and the driver falls out onto the asphalt.

The cop says, “Holy shit, you’re so drunk, you can’t even walk!”

The drunk says, “No shit, that’s why I took my car!”

The kidnapper makes his final offer

A Man’s wife was kidnapped by someone

Next day the kidnapper calls the man and asks for $30k to release her but the man doesn’t show much interest.

Some days later kidnapper calls again and reduces the amount to $20k but again the man doesn’t look like he’s interested in the offer.

This continues on till the time the kidnapper makes his final offer.

On Phone –

Kidnapper : here’s the final offer, you give me one thousand dollars or I’ll send her back to you.

Man – Deal!

Husband wants me to ask you something

Carol was pregnant with her first child, and her husband was about to leave on a two-week business trip. When Carol went to her doctor appointment, she had some questions.

“My husband wants me to ask you something—” Carol began.

The doctor interrupted her. “I get asked that question all the time,” he said in a reassuring tone. “Sex is fine until late in the pregnancy.”

“No, that’s not it!” an embarrassed Carol confessed. “My husband wants to know if I can still mow the lawn.”

A thief catching machine..

Group of scientists invented a thief catching machine..
So they decided to test it in various countries one by one.

Starting with USA.

Caught more than 300 thieves in an hour. They couldn’t be more happier with the results.

Then the group decided to ship their machine to Bangladesh. It worked quite well over there, catching almost twice the amount of thieves caught in USA in an hour.

The group is pretty satisfied with the results but still want to give it one more try. They move the machine to mother Russia expecting more better results.

Within 30 minutes, machine got stolen.

She was to do all the dishes and house cleaning!

Three men were sitting around bragging about how they had given their new wives duties.
The first man had married a Catholic woman and bragged that he had told his wife she was to do all the dishes and house cleaning that needed doing at their house. He said it took a couple days, but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.

The second man had married a Mormon woman. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, the dishes and the cooking. He told them the first day he didn’t see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, the house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.

The third man had married a Jewish girl. He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house clean, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry done and hot meals on the table, every day. He said the first day he didn’t see anything, the second day he didn’t see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye.

Get prepared for an emergency landing!

An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot
instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take
their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing.

A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants
if everyone was buckled in and ready.

“All set back here, Captain,” came the reply, “except one
lawyer who is still going around passing out business
cards.”

Handsome!

Nasir: If sex with three people is called a threesome and sex with four people is called
Jami: a foursome,
Nasir: I guess now it’s clear why everyone calls me handsome.

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