Archive for the ‘Women’ Category

She told him to take off her bra

A wealthy man and his wife decided to go to a party. They planned on staying there for the night, so they gave the butler a day off.

Sadly, the wife wasn’t pleased with the party so she decided to go home. When she arrives, she saw John in the dining room. She took him to the sleeping room, and told him to take off her dress.

John did what she asked for.

She told him to also take off her stockings.

John did it without a word.

Then she told him to take off her bra and panties.

Same as before, John didn’t say a word and did what she asked for.

“And now, John”, said the woman, “if I see you in my clothes once again, you lose your job, got it?”

He can stay under water for..

Three girls are quarreling about what their brothers are capable of doing and one girl says,
“My brother can stay under water for 10 minutes.”
With a wry smile another girl says,”My brother knows yoga and he can stay under water for 30 minutes!”
The third girl blurts out, “That’s all?” The two girl frown.
“My brother’s been under water for 5 months and hasn’t returned yet. “

Any change of address?

Once my divorce was final, I went to the local Department of Motor Vehicles and asked to have my maiden name reinstated on my driver’s license. “Will there be any change of address?” the clerk inquired. “No,” I replied.

“Oh, good,” she said, clearly delighted. “You got the house.”

What are you?

Two guys and a girl were sitting at a bar talking about their lives.

The first guy said, “I’m a YUPPIE. You know, Young Urban Professional.”

The second guy responded, “I’m a DINK. You know, Double Income No Kids.”

They then asked the woman, “What are you?”

She replied: “I’m a WIFE. You know, Wash, Iron, Fuck,
Etc.”

I would like to see a bikini

A very fat woman comes into a store and tells the clerk,
“I would like to see a bikini that fits me.”
Clerk, “me too…”

Makes an awful noise, but it works

The wheel of my grocery cart was making a horrible scraping sound as I rolled it through the supermarket. Nevertheless, when I finished my shopping and saw a cart-less woman, I offered it up, explaining, “It makes an awful noise, but it works.”

“That’s okay,” she said, taking it. “I have a husband at home like that.”

Where is my SUNDAY paper?

“WHERE is my SUNDAY paper?!” The little old lady calling the newspaper office, loudly demanded to know where her Sunday edition was.

“Madam”, said the newspaper employee, “today is Saturday. The Sunday paper is not delivered until tomorrow, on SUNDAY”.
There was quite a long pause on the other end of the phone, followed by a ray of recognition as the little old lady was heard to mutter,
“Well, shit… that’s why no one was at church today.”

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