Archive for the ‘Sex’ Category

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I took off all my clothes except my..

The Sheriff and Billy-Bob

One day the sheriff sees Billy-Bob walking around town with nothing on except his gun belt and his boots.

The sheriff says “Billy-Bob, what the hell are you doing walking around town dressed like that?”

Billy-Bob replies “Well sheriff, it’s a long story!”

Sheriff says he isn’t in a hurry and that Billy-Bob should tell the story.

Billy-Bob continues “Well sheriff, me and Mary-Lou was down on the farm and we started a cuddling. Mary-Lou said we should go in the barn and we did.”

“Inside the barn we started a kissing and a cuddling and things got pretty hot and heavy, well Mary-Lou said that we should go up on the hill so we did.”

“Up on the hill we started a kissing and a cuddling and the Mary-Lou took off all her clothes and said that I should do the same. Well, I took off all my clothes except my gun belt and my boots.

Then Mary-Lou lay on the ground and opened her legs and said “Okay Billy-Bob, go to town…”

Making cake

Little Johnny is walking around and peaks in his parents room, catching them having sex so he asks,
“What are you guys doing?” and they reply
“Nothing, nothing! we’re just uh, making cake”
and they send him away. So he continues walking around and he hears some strange noises coming from his brothers room so he walks in and catches his brother and his brothers girlfriend having sex and then asks him
“What are you guys doing?”
and his brother yells “Get out! were making cake!”
So Johnny leaves and goes to his room. The next day the whole family is at the dinner table and Little Johnny turns to his sister and says
“So, you and your boyfriend were making cake last night huh!”
and she replies “OMG! Howd you know!?!?” and Johnny replies
“Because, I licked the icing off the couch” .

Me ready for woman now

An Iraqi walks into a whore house. He approaches the Madam behind the front desk. She takes a look at him and asks, “Well, how can I help you?”
The Iraqi replies,” Mmmm, me need a woman.”
Madam: “Do you have money?”
Iraqi: “Me have money.”
Madam: “Do you have experience?”
The Iraqi looked a little perplexed and replied, ” mmmmm….. me have no experience.”
So the Madam hands the Iraqi a jar of Vaseline and starts to give him some instructions.
“There is an oak tree outside with a hole in it. Go out there and practice, and come back when you are ready.”
So the Iraqi goes out there and does his thing, and is back in just a few minutes.
Iraqi: ” Me ready for woman now.”
Madam:” Go up the elevator to the fourth floor, last door on the left.”
So the Iraqi gets in the elevator, goes to the 4th floor, goes to the last door on the left, and opens it. What he sees next is a porn star quality blonde butt naked, spread eagle on the bed. He takes his shirt off, grabs the broom from the corner of the room, and starts ramming her with it. The whore screamed and hollered until the Madam came running in.
She asked the Iraqi, “What the fuck are you doing?!?”
The Iraqi turned and said,” Mmmm….me check for bees first!”

Make love like in the movies!

Like The Movies

A guy with a black eye walks into a bar and orders a triple bourbon. The bartender says
“Having a tough day, huh?”

The guy says “Yeah. My wife and I were doing the dishes and she turned to me and said ‘Why don’t we ever make love like in the movies?’ So I bent her over the kitchen table, yanked her pants down and rammed it in. I jack-hammered her and slapped her on the ass as I pummeled her. Then I pulled it out, turned her around and blew my load all over her face.” The bartender said
“Wow! But what’s up with the black eye?
“Turns out we watch different movies.”

Riding a bike!

A missionary who had spent years showing a tribe of natives how to farm and build things to be self sufficient gets word that he is to return home.

He realizes that the one thing he never taught the natives was how to speak English, so he takes the chief and starts walking in the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief: “This is a tree.”

The chief looks at the tree and grunts: “Tree.”

The missionary is pleased with the response.

They walk a little farther and the padre points to a rock and says: “This is a rock.”

Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts: “Rock.”

The padre is really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As he peeks over the top, he sees a couple in the midst of heavy romantic activity. The padre is really flustered and quickly responds: “Riding a bike.”

The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blow gun and kills them!

The padre goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each other! How could he just kill these people in cold blood that way?

The chief replied: “My bike.”

You think that’s bad?

A tale of two brothers

There were two dwarfs who decided to visit the city one night. They were twin brothers from a remote country town, and had decided to go out and celebrate their 21st birthday.

After some drinks and a nice dinner out, they were walking to the bus stop to go home, when they passed by a brothel. They knew both of them were virgins, so after a quick conversation, they decided that there was no better way to finish of their night of celebration than by getting laid for the very first time.

They entered the brothel, chose a girl each and headed into seperate rooms to enjoy what would likely be the best night of their life.

Despite his best efforts, the first brother was struggling to copulate with his girl. He tried it in doggy, missionary, reverse cowgirl – just about every position he could think of. But nothing seemed to work.

It didn’t help that he could hear thumping and thudding from the room next door, and his brother panting and repeatedly saying “One, two, three ahh. One, two, three ahh”.

After about 15 minutes, he gave up trying and walked out of the room, only to see his brother leaving his room too, gasping for breath and covered in sweat.

He said him “that was terrible. I tried everything, but I just couldn’t make it work. I feel so embarrassed”.

And his brother said “you think that’s bad? I couldn’t get up on the bed!”.

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