Archive for the ‘Money’ Category

Stock Exchange

A stockbroker was cold calling about a penny stock and found a taker. “I think this one will really move said the broker, it’s only $1 a share.”

“Buy me 1000 shares.” said the client.

The next day the stock was at $2. The client called the broker and said, “You were right, give me 5000

more shares.”

The next day the client looked in the paper and the stock was at $4.

The client ran to the phone and called the broker, “Get me 10,000 more shares said the client.”

“Great!” said the broker.

The next day the client looked in the paper and the stock was at $9.

Seeing what a great profit he had in just a few days, the client ran to the phone and told the broker, “Sell

all my shares!”

The broker said, “To whom? You were the only one buying that stock.”

A father told each of his three sons

A father told each of his 3 sons as he sent them off to college, “I feel it’s my duty to provide you with the

best possible education, and you do not owe me anything for that. However, I want you to appreciate it. As

a token, please each put $1,000 into my coffin when I die.”

And so it happened. His sons became a doctor, a lawyer and a financial planner, each very successful

financially. When their father’s time had come, and they saw their father in the coffin, they remembered

his wish.
First, the doctor put 10 newly printed crisp $100 bills onto the chest of the deceased.
Then, the financial planner also put $1,000 there in 20 newly printed crisp $50 bills.

Finally, it was the heartbroken lawyer’s turn. He reached into his pocket, took out his checkbook, wrote a

check for $3,000, put it into his father’s coffin, and took the $2,000 cash.

Your credit card has been stolen

A credit card company calls up this man and says
“you must know your credit card has been stolen because its been weeks, why didn’t you call us to turn it off?”
The guy says
“I can’t, the thief spends less than my wife.”

I bought a lottery ticket

once my dad gave me some money to pay the electricity bill but instead i bought a lottery ticket for a brand new car.

When i got home, I explained to my dad what I did and he
beat the crap out of me.

But the next day,when my dad woke up and opened the door, outside my house was a brand new car. We all cried
especially me, because the car was from the electricity
company, they were there to cut off the electricity, my
dad beat the crap out of me again.

The landlord

“Sir you have got to help!” said the tearful man at the door.
“There is a family that I know very well that is in desperate need of money. The Father has been out of a job for over a year, they have five kids at home with barely a bit of food to eat. The worst part is, that they are about to kicked out of the house and they will be left on the streets without a roof over their heads!”
The man concluded with one last heart wrenching sob.

“Well,” said the man at the door, “that really is a sad story. Why don’t you come inside and we’ll talk about it a little more.” “So how much money is needed exactly?” asked the man when they were both seated.
“Oh it’s really terrible”, said the man starting up again, “why just for the rent $3000 is needed by tomorrow otherwise they’ll be kicked out onto the streets.”
“How do you know so much about this situation?” asked the man as he reached for his check book.
“Well,” said the man breaking down once more “they are my tenants.”

It is no shame to be poor

A man walks into a Swiss bank. The bank is very full so it takes a long time for it to be his turn.
After an hour wait, he finally gets to go up to the counter.

The woman asks him how she could assist him.

He looks around, making sure he can’t be heard and whispers into her ear, “I would like to deposit $1 million into a bank account”

The woman looks a bit startled and says out loud, “Oh don’t worry sir! You don’t have to whisper, here in Switzerland its no shame to be poor.”

The Priest

An old man was on his death bed. He wanted badly to take
all his money with him. He called his priest, his doctor
and his lawyer to his bedside.
‘Here’s $30,000 cash to be held by each of you. I trust
you to put this in my coffin when I die so I can take all
my money with me.’
At the funeral, each man put an envelope in the coffin.
Riding away in a limousine, the priest suddenly broke into
tears and confessed that he had only put $20,000 into the
envelope because he needed $10,000 for a new baptistery.
Well, since we’re confiding in each other,’ said the
doctor, ‘I only put $10,000 in the envelope because we
needed a new machine at the hospital which cost $20,000.’
The lawyer was aghast.
‘I’m ashamed of both of you,’ he exclaimed, ‘I want it
known that when I put my envelope in that coffin, it held
my personal check for the full $30,000.’

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