Archive for the ‘Miscellaneous’ Category

I woke up and …

I really don’t like guns

An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he called his grandson to his bed,
“Grandson, I want you to listen me. I want you to take my 45 automatic pistol, so you will always remember me.”

“But grandpa I really don’t like guns, how about you leaving me your Rolex watch instead.”

“You listen to me, some day you are going to run a bussiness, you are going to have a beautiful wife, a lot of money, a big home and maybe a couple of bambino. Some day you come home and may find your wife in the bed with another man. What you will do then? Point to your watch and say, ‘TIME IS UP’?”

A national award to heroic people

My sister Tina was telling her husband, Kay, about a wonderful program she had watched on TV.
The show gave a national award to heroic people who put themselves in grave danger to help out someone they hardly knew.
Kay replied, “That sounds a lot like getting married.”

Everything was perfect in North Korea

A North Korean Defector

A North Korean defector moves into an apartment in Chicago, and his new neighbor ask what was his apartment back home like. “Oh it was perfect I couldn’t complain ” the defector replies. “What about your job” “Oh my old job was perfect,I couldn’t complain”.

“And the food?”. “Oh the food was perfect I couldn’t complain “. “So if everything was perfect in North Korea why did you move?”. The man says “Here i can complain”.

Terrorists have kidnapped the entire US Congress

Congress gets kidnapped

A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington, DC.

Nothing was moving.

Suddenly, a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down the window and asks, “What’s going on?”

“Terrorists have kidnapped the entire US Congress, and they’re asking for a $100 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire.

We are going from car to car, collecting donations.”

“How much is everyone giving, on an average?” the driver asks.

The man replies, “Roughly a gallon.”

Go over and apologize for this accident!

Bill Clinton and his chauffeur are driving through farm country. Another car on the road loses control and runs Bill’s car off the road. When the chauffeur get out of the car he sees he ran over a pig.

“What should we do, Bill?”

“Well that animal probably came from that nearby farm. You should go over and apologize for this accident. ”

The chauffeur agrees. He drives over to the farmhouse and leaves Bill in the car. Bill watches him go up to the door and talk the the farmer but can’t hear them.

The farmer is immediately overjoyed. He calls his family over, they are all happy and embrace the chauffeur. The farmer’s daughter kisses the chauffer and the farmer offers him a fine ciger.

The chauffeur returned to his car and Bill was bewildered.

“What was that about?! What did you say???”

“All I said was, Hello, I’m Bill Clinton’s chauffeur and I just killed the pig. “

You see that bridge over there

An American politician invites an Indian minister to his home.

The AP shows the Indian minister his Rolls Royce.

“Beautiful isn’t it?” He asks the minister.

“Hmm, Yes it is”

“Wanna know how I could afford to buy it?” the AP points in a direction “You see that bridge over there? 5% of its building funds went into my pockets”

The minister just nods.

A few weeks later, the minister invites the AP to his home for a party. Upon reaching the minister’s home, the AP was surprised at how grand it was. It was a royal-looking mansion.

He asks the minister, “Where did you get the money to buy it from?”

The minister takes him outside and points in a direction and says

“You see that bridge over there?”

The AP replies “No”.
Indian minister smiles……

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