Archive for the ‘Men’ Category

We put them into containers

This American guy is sitting at a diner minding his own business eating breakfast. A French guy chewing gum sits down next to him & says
“What are you eating there? American bread? In France we eat only the soft centers out of our fresh bread & send the crusts to America.”
The American Guy ignores him.
“What have you got on that bread? Jam? In France we eat only the freshest fruit & put the seeds & pits into containers & send it to America to make your jam.”
“Well let me ask you one question. Do you have sex over there in France?”
“Oh Oiu, Oiu, you know we do.”
“What do you do with the used condoms?”
“Oh flush them down the toilet of course.”
“Well here in America we put them into containers & sell them to France as bubble gum.”

Suicide

Jimmy is lying across the railway tracks with a bottle of Whiskey and pizza within reach.

A passerby asks “Jimmy, why are you lying on the rail lines! Are train may come any moment and run over you.
“Precisely”- answered Jimmy. “I have no desire to live anymore. I just want to kill myself.

“Then why do you have this liquor bottle and pizza beside you?”-asked the passerby.

“Why not?” demands Jimmy. “You can’t rely on trains running on time anymore and I don’t want to die of hunger and thirst.”

After a mobile talk with his wife

One man, after his death was in hell. Once he asked the Satan,
” Can I use your mobile to make a call to my wife.” Satan allowed him.
After a mobile talk with his wife, the man asked,
“how much I have to pay for this call?”
Satan told, “No charges, because hell to hell is absolutely free”

I would like some raisin bread please

A general store owner hires a young female clerk who likes to wear very short skirts and thong panties. One day a young man enters the store, glances at the clerk and glances at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing the length of her skirt [or general lack thereof] and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea.

“Id like some raisin bread please”, the man says politely. The female clerk nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, which is located on the very top shelf. The young man standing almost directly beneath her is provided with an excellent view, just as he surmised he would be.

Once she descends the ladder he muses that he really should get two loaves as he’s having company for dinner. As the clerk retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices whats going on. Thinking quickly, he requests his own loaf of raisin bread so he can continue to enjoy the view. With each trip up the ladder the young lady seems to catch the eye of another male customer. Pretty soon each male patron is asking for raisin bread, just to see the clerk climb up and down.

After many trips shes tired, irritated and thinking that she is really going to have to try this bread for herself!

Finally, once again atop the ladder, she stops and fumes, glaring at the men standing below. She notices an elderly man standing among the crowd staring up at her. Thinking to save herself a trip, she yells at the elderly man, “Is yours raisin too?”

“No,” croaks the old man “… But its starting to twitch.”

The happiness I felt

Today I donated my watch, phone, and $500 to a poor guy.
You wouldn’t believe the happiness I felt
as he slid the pistol back into his pocket.

You only get one wish

A man was walking along a California beach when he stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie.

The genie said “OK so you released me from the lamp blah blah blah, but this is the fourth time this week and I’m getting a little sick of these wishes, So you can forget about three. You only get one wish.”

The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, “I’ve always wanted to go to Hawaii but I’m too scared to fly and I get very seasick. So could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there?”

The genie laughed a replied, “That’s impossible. Think of the logistics of that. How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete… How much steel !!! No think of another wish.”

The man agreed and tried to think of a really good wish. He said, “I’ve been married and divorced four times. My wives have always said I don’t care and that I’m insensitive. I wish that I could understand women. To know what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, to know why they are crying, to know what they want when they say ‘nothing’…”

The genie replies “You want that bridge two lanes or four?”

No place like home!

Men are born between the legs of women and spend all their life trying to get back between them. Why?

There is no place like home …

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