Archive for the ‘Lawyer-Court’ Category

Get prepared for an emergency landing!

An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot
instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take
their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing.

A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants
if everyone was buckled in and ready.

“All set back here, Captain,” came the reply, “except one
lawyer who is still going around passing out business

Consultation Service!

A dog ran into a butcher shop and grabbed a roast off the
counter. Fortunately, the butcher recognized the dog as
belonging to a neighbor of his. The neighbor happened to be a lawyer.

Incensed at the theft, the butcher called up his neighbor
and said, “Hey, if your dog stole a roast from my butcher
shop, would you be liable for the cost of the meat?” The
lawyer replied, “Of course, how much was the roast?”

A few days later the butcher received a check in the mail
for $7.98. Attached to it was an invoice that read: Legal
Consultation Service: $150 .

The end of his first day at work

The lawyer’s son wanted to follow in his father’s
footsteps, so he went to law school. He graduated with
honors, and then went home to join his father’s firm. At
the end of his first day at work he rushed into his
father’s office, and said, “Father, father, in one day I
broke the accident case that you’ve been working on for
ten years!”

His father responded: “You idiot, we could live on the
funding of that case for another ten years!”

I told you, no returns on that brass rat!

A man is browsing an antique shop when he sees a striking brass rat. He ask the owner how much. He says, “$100, but you can’t return it! It’s been returned twice and I don’t want to see it again.”

The man pays the money and walks to his car. He sees a rat scurry under his foot. As he drives along, he notices a few more rats scurrying along behind his car. As he continues, he looks in his rear-view mirror and sees more and more rats following after him. He floors it and the rats begin to catch up, getting more and more numerous.

Finally, he drives over a bridge and throws the brass rat over the side, watching as the army of rats follow the statue into the churning river below.
The man drives back to the antique shop. The owner sees him enter and says, “I told you, no returns on that brass rat!” The man says to the owner, “No, no, I don’t want to return it. I was just wondering if you had a brass lawyer?”

Why you wish to divorce?

During the proceedings in a divorce case, the Judge asked the wife,
“Tell me why you wish to divorce your husband?”

Wife:”He treats me like a dog!”

Judge:”You mean he abuses you physically? Verbally?”

Wife:”No, he wants me to be faithful!”

A lawyer and two friends

A lawyer and two friends, a Rabbi and a Hindu holy man, had car trouble in the countryside and asked to spend the night with a farmer.

The farmer said “There might be a problem; you see, I only have room for two to sleep, so one of you must sleep in the barn.”

“No problem,” chimed the Rabbi, “My people wandered in the desert for forty years, I am humble enough to sleep in the barn for an evening.”

With that he departed to the barn and the others bedded down for the night.

Moments later a knock was heard at the door; the farmer opened the door. There stood the Rabbi from the barn.

“What’s wrong?” asked the farmer.

He replied, “I am grateful to you, but I can’t sleep in the barn. There is a pig in the barn and my faith believes that is an unclean animal.”

His Hindu friend agrees to swap places with him. But a few minutes later the same scene reoccurs. There is a knock on the door.

“What’s wrong, now?” the farmer asks.

The Hindu holy man replies, “I too am grateful for your helping us out but there is a cow in the barn and in my country cows are considered sacred. I can’t sleep on holy ground!”

Well, that leaves only the lawyer to make the change. He grumbled and complained, but went out to the barn.

Moments later there was another knock on the farmers door.

Frustrated and tired, the farmer opens the door, and there stood…

The pig and the cow.

I do not have a drivers license

Judge: “Why did you steal the car?”

Man: “I had to get to work.”

Judge: “Why didn’t you take the bus?”

Man: I don’t have a driver’s license for the bus.

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