Archive for the ‘Insults’ Category

Two really large women came in

I was sitting in a bar one day and two really large women came in, talking in an interesting accent.

So I said, “Cool accent, are you two ladies from Ireland?”

One of them snarled at me, “It’s Wales, Dumbo!”

So I corrected myself, “My apologies, so are you two whales from Ireland?”

Are you an anesthesiologist?

A man and woman were having sex. After they were done, the man asks the woman,
“Are you a nurse?”
The woman answers, “Yes. How did you know?”
The man replies, “Because you took care of me so well.”
Then the woman asks the man, “Are you an anesthesiologist?”
He says proudly, “Yes. How do you know?”
The woman answers, “Because I didn’t feel a thing.”

To get to the idiot’s house.

Bob: “Why did the chicken cross the road?”
Joe: “To get to the idiot’s house.”
Bob: “Knock knock.”
Joe: “Who’s there?”
Bob: “The chicken.”

I had sex with a parrot…

I saw a young teenage kid on the subway today. He had a Mohawk hairstyle dyed yellow, green, and red.
He caught me staring at him and in a nasty voice asked,
“What the f*ck are you looking at?”
I replied, “Sorry, but when I was about your age I had sex with a parrot. I thought maybe you were my son.”

A rough draft!

Girl: “Girls are better than boys.”
Boy: “Then why did God make boys first?”
Girl: “Duh, you have to have a rough draft before the final copy.”

Your name never came up!

A lady comes home from her doctor’s appointment grinning from ear to ear.
Her husband asks, “Why are you so happy?”
The wife says, “The doctor told me that for a forty-five year old woman, I have the breasts of a eighteen year old.”
“Oh yeah?” quipped her husband, “What did he say about your forty-five year old ass?”
She said, “Your name never came up in the conversation.”

The Americans

I’m reading where the Japanese said that Americans are all stupid and illiterate and lazy.
Well, I didn’t really read it. I saw it on television.
I was lying there on the couch. Well, I would have changed the channel, but I had to get up and walk all the way over.
My remote control is broken, and I don’t know how to fix it.

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