Archive for the ‘God-Religious’ Category

We have a special this week

A priest was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave the confessional unattended, he called his rabbi friend from across the street and asked him to cover for him. The rabbi told him he wouldn’t know what to say, but the priest told him to come on over and he’d stay with him for a little bit and show him what to do.

The rabbi comes and he and the priest are in the confessional. In a few minutes a woman comes in and says “Father forgive me for I have sinned.” The priest asks “What did you do?”. The woman says “I committed adultery.” Priest: “How many times?” Woman: “Three times.” Priest: “Say two Hail Mary’s, put $5 in the box and go and sin no more.”

A few minutes later a man enters the confessional. He says “Father forgive me for I have sinned.” Priest: “What did you do?” Man: “I committed adultery.” Priest:”How many times?” Man: “Three times.” Priest: “Say two Hail Mary’s put $5 in the box and go and sin no more.”

The rabbi tells the priest that he thinks he’s got it so the priest leaves.

A few minutes later another woman enters and says “Father forgive me for I have sinned.” Rabbi: “What did you do?” Woman: “I committed adultery.” Rabbi: “How many times?” Woman: “Once.” Rabbi: “Go do it two more times. We have a special this week, three for $5.”

I rubbed the money against the pan

A man goes to church and tells the priest “Father, I almost cheated on my wife.”

The priest asks him “How do you almost cheat on your wife?”

The man says “Well, me and the woman were naked but we just rubbed against each other.”

The priest looks at him disgusted and says “Rubbing is the same as putting it in. Never do it again, say five Hail Mary’s and put $100 in the donation pan.”

The next time the priest sees the man he is infuriates “You didn’t put $100 in the pan!”

The man looks at the priest disgusted and says “I rubbed the money against the pan, and rubbing is the same as putting it in.”

Did not do services like that for animals

When Paddy’s dog died, he took it to the local Catholic church. He asked the preacher if he could have a funeral service for his much loved pet, but the preacher explained that they didn’t do services like that for animals.

Paddy asked who would and the preacher suggested that the Baptist church up the road would probably give the dog a funeral service.

Paddy asked, “Preacher, do you think $5,000 would be enough payment for the dog’s funeral?”

The preacher relied, “Dearest Paddy, why didn’t you tell me that your dog was a Catholic?”

He will desire to please you

One day, Eve was walking in the garden with God. She said, “God, the garden is wonderful, and the animals and birds provide such joy, but I am still lonely sometimes.”

“No problem!” the Lord replied. “I will make you a man for a companion. He will desire to please you and to be with you. But I have to warn you, he won’t be perfect. He’ll have a difficult time understanding your feelings, will tend to think only of himself, and will stay out late with his bowling buddies.”

“What’s bowling?” Eve asked.

“Oh… never mind. I was just getting ahead of myself, sorry.”

“That’s OK. I think I can handle this ‘man’,” Eve replied.

“Great, I’ll get right to it!” God said, and started grabbing some mud and shaping it.

Suddenly, the Lord stopped and said to Eve, “Oh, there’s one other thing about this man I’m making for you.”

“What’s that?” asked Eve.

“You’ll have to tell him he was here first.”

What an uplifting experience!

Dear Family:

The other day I went to the local Christian Book Store where I saw a Honk If You Love Jesus sticker. I bought it and put it on the back bumper of my car, and I’m really glad that I did! What an uplifting experience followed!

I was stopped at the light of a busy intersection just lost in thought about the Lord, and I didn’t notice the light had changed. That bumper sticker really worked! I found lots of folks who love Jesus.

Why, the guy behind me started honking like crazy! He must really love the Lord because pretty soon he leaned out the window and yelled Jesus Christ! as loud as he could!

It was like a football game, with him shouting Go, Jesus Christ, Go!

Everyone else was soon honking as well, so I leaned out my window and waved and smiled to all those loving people!

There was some guy from Florida because I could hear him yelling about a sunny beach and I saw him wave at me in a peculiar way-sticking his middle finger up in the air. Luckily, I had just asked my two Grandsons what such a gesture meant and they had looked at each other and giggled, and told me it was Hawaiian good luck sign, so I leaned out the window and returned his gesture.

A couple of people were so caught up in the joy of the moment they actually got out of their cars and began to walk toward me! I assumed they wanted to pray, but just then I noticed the light had changed green, so I stepped on the gas. It’s a good thing I did, because I was the only one to make it through the intersection before it turned back to red. Not wanting the experience to end, I looked back, and seeing all those good folks standing around, I leaned out the window and with a wide smile, held up the Hawaiian Good Luck Sign as I sped away.

Praise the Lord for such wonderful people.

Love you all, Grandma

pastor was caught stealing

A pastor was caught stealing in the church by a member of the church.
This was the conversation between them
Pastor: Blessed are those who see and don’t talk
Member: For they shall receive their share. Amen

Why should they look up to you?

An elderly rabbi was once on an airplane to Israel sitting next to a self-professed atheist. They were amicably chatting the whole trip.

Every now and then, the rabbi’s grandchild, sitting in another row, would come over to him, bringing him a drink, or asking if he could get anything to make him more comfortable. After this happened several times, the atheist sighed, “I wish my grandchildren would treat me with such respect. They hardly even say hello to me. What’s your secret?”

The rabbi replied: “Think about it. To my grandchildren, I am two generations closer to Adam and Eve, the two individuals made by the hand of G-d. So they look up to me. But according to the philosophy which you teach your grandchildren, you are two generations closer to being an ape. So why should they look up to you?”

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