Archive for the ‘Friends’ Category

She was to do all the dishes and house cleaning!

Three men were sitting around bragging about how they had given their new wives duties.
The first man had married a Catholic woman and bragged that he had told his wife she was to do all the dishes and house cleaning that needed doing at their house. He said it took a couple days, but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.

The second man had married a Mormon woman. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, the dishes and the cooking. He told them the first day he didn’t see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, the house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.

The third man had married a Jewish girl. He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house clean, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry done and hot meals on the table, every day. He said the first day he didn’t see anything, the second day he didn’t see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye.

Handsome!

Nasir: If sex with three people is called a threesome and sex with four people is called
Jami: a foursome,
Nasir: I guess now it’s clear why everyone calls me handsome.

Cat has given birth to 10 kittens!

A little boy calls his friend and says:
“Help, my cat has given birth to 10 kittens! I do not know where to leave them …. because I do not have enough space at home!”
Then the friend replies: “You can leave them in front of some bar or restaurant, there they can find food!”.
The boy takes his friend’s advice but calls him later with the news:
“It didn’t work, the kittens came right back home!”
So his friend says: “That’s fine, so leave them in front of the closed shops, where there are no lights and they will not be able to find their way home”.
The boy does as he said but then calls him:
“It didn’t work, the cats have returned home as if they had GPS!” And the friend replied annoyed.
“at this point go farther than you’ve ever gone before, turn left, turn right, confuse the hell out of those little buggers.” .
After about 2 days, the friend calls the boy: “So you got rid of the kittens?”
and he replies: “Well let me tell you, I walked for about a day, got lost and I just came back…. if I did not follow the cats I would not have even made it home!”.

Could you pass me the honey?

Three guys are at a restaurant, all with their girlfriends.
The first guy, thinking he is all suave, says to his girlfriend, “Could you pass me the honey?…Honey.”
Now, the second guy, copying the first, says to his girlfriend, “Could you pass me the sugar?….Sugar.”
So now, the third guy is under pressure. He has to come up with something good.

After, a minute of thinking he says to his girlfriend, “Pass me the pork…pig.”

We go on date night every week

Two men were in a discussion at there lunch time.
A man asked the other man if he was happy with his marriage,
Second man:” Yes I’m very happy. We go on date night every week.”
The first man asked when?
Second man:”She goes on Wednesday and I go on Thursday”

Three close family members lost

A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself. Approaching the friend he comments, “You look terrible. What’s the problem?”
“My mother died in June,” he said, “and left me $10,000.”
“Gee, that’s tough,” he replied.
“Then in July,” the friend continued, “My father died leaving me $50,000.”
“Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you’re depressed.”
“And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000.”
“Three close family members lost in three months? How sad.”
“Then this month,” continued, the friend, “nothing!”

My wife is an angel!

Two men were talking about their wives
The first man says
“My wife is an angel.”
The second man says “You’re lucky, mine’s still alive.”

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