Archive for the ‘Farmer’ Category

Run over by a tractor

A salesman arrives at an apparently deserted farm. After wandering around for a couple of minutes he finds a young boy.

“Is your Dad home?” the salesman asked.

“No sir, he was run over by a tractor” the boy replied.

“Oh I’m sorry, where’s your mother?”, asked the man.

“She was run over by a tractor”

“Oh my god, where are your sisters and brothers?”

“Run over by a tractor”

“Who’s taking care of you?!? Where’s your uncle and aunt?”

“Run over by tractor”

“My god! Are you all alone? What are you doing this whole time??”

“Driving the tractor”

The Mule

An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning ’til night she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule. He plowed a lot. One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch.. Immediately, his wife began nagging him again. Complain, nag, complain, nag – it just went on and on.

All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet, caught her smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot. At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd.
When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement.

This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it. So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.
The old farmer said, “Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I’d nod my head in agreement.”
“And what about the men?” the minister asked.
“They wanted to know if the mule was for sale.”

Papa will not like it

A farm boy accidentally overturned his wagon load of corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise and yelled over to the boy, “Hey Willis, forget your troubles. Come in and visit with us. I’ll help you get the wagon up later.” “That’s mighty nice of you,” Willis answered, “but I don’t think Pa would like me to.”

“Aw come on boy,” the farmer insisted.

“Well okay,” the boy finally agreed, and added, “but Papa won’t like it.”

After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host. “I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset.”

“Don’t be foolish!” the neighbor said with a smile. “By the way, where is he?”

“Under the wagon.”

That darned bull

A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher.

The rancher’s prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull.

The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store. The attorney for the railroad immediately cornered the rancher and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking.

After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn’t resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher,
“You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn’t have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn’t have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!”

The old rancher replied, “Well, I’ll tell you, young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that darned bull came home this morning.”

Two dairy farmers

Two dairy farmers are walking through the creamery when suddenly one of them slips and falls in a large vat of milk…
…the other one yells angrily,
“get out of there, it’s pasteurized!”
And the farmer in the vat shouts back,
“no it’s not……It’s only just past my waist!”

That is just my grand pa!

A salesman is driving down a lone some country road
and is horrified to see this farmer screwing a sheep out
in a field. He immediately pulls up at the next farmhouse
and knocks on the door.

A little boy answers and the salesman is flustered over
mentioning what he has seen. So he merely asks, “Young
lad, I really need to use your telephone.”

“What for?” Asks the little boy. The salesman is still
reluctant to explain why and tells the child, “Look kid, I
just need to use the phone. It’s important.”

The boy replies, “I’m afraid I can’t let you use the phone
if you won’t tell me why.”

At the end of his tether, the salesman breaks down and
says, “Look, kid, there’s a farmer out in the field
screwing a sheep and I need to report him!”

The boy says, “Oh, don’t worry. That’s just my Grand Pa.”

Many mysteries of Nature and Biology !!

An african zoologist moves to Rural Alabama. One day, a farmer knocks on the door, behind him is his wife,

holding a black baby…

Immediatly, the farmer grabs the zoologist by his collar and yells “Now you see here! See that kid over

there! I’ve got Nine kids and they aaall white. And alla’ sudden, this one comes out black! And you the only

black man in a 300 mile radius, mind explaining that one to me?”

The zoologist re-adjusts his collar nervously, before noticing a herd of goats across the road outside his

house. He quickly leads the farmer over to the fence, pointing out to the heard as he explains: “See that

herd of goats over there? All of them are deep brown or black, except that one over there.-” He pointed at

a single white goat standing outside the herd. “-God only knows when a white goat is born, it is one of the

many mysteries of Nature and Biology.”

After a moment of thought, the farmer grabs the Zoologist’s collar again, pulling him down far enough to

whisper to him. “Listen, I won’t tell anyone about the black baby… and you shut up about the white goat,

okay?”

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