Archive for the ‘Dirty’ Category

How about the ones like mine?

Wife : “I dream t they were auctioning off dicks. The big ones went for ten dollars and the thick ones went for twenty dollars.
“Husband : “How about the ones like mine?
“Wife : “Those they gave away.
“Husband : “I had a dream too…I dream t they were auctioning off cunts. The pretty ones went for a thousand dollars, and the little tight ones went for two thousand.
“Wife : “And how much for the ones like mine?
“Husband : “That’s where they held the auction.”

Swearing problem of Johnny

Johnny had a swearing problem and his father was getting tired of it. He decided to ask his shrink what to do. The shrink said that since Christmas was coming up that he should ask Johnny what he wanted Santa to bring him. If he swore he should leave a pile of dog shit in place of the gift.

Two days before Christmas Johnny’s dad asked Johnny what he wanted. Johnny said,”I want a god-damned teddy-bear laying right fuckin’ here beside me when I wake-up on Christmas morning. Then when I go downstairs I want to see a mother fuckin’ train going around the goddamned tree, and when I go outside I want to see a red-ass fuckin bike leaning up against the damn garage!”

Christmas morning, Little Johnny woke up and rolled over into a big pile of dog shit. Confused, he walked downstairs and saw a bunch of dog shit around the Christmas tree. Scratching his head, he walked outside and saw a huge pile of dog shit by the garage. When he walked back inside with a curious look on his face, his dad smiled and asked, ” So Johnny, what did Santa bring you this year?” Johnny replied, “I think I got a fuckin dog but I can’t find the little cunt.”

I want to see your face again mommy

A Chinese boy never met his parents after they were killed in WW2, so when he learned where they were buried he quickly rushed there.

He sat down in front of their graves and prayed “I want to see your face again mommy…”. A miracle happened, his mother rose up from the graves and hugged him.

The boy cried then said “I want to see you too dad”. He looked at his father’s grave but nothing happened

Suddenly a Japanese soldier came up behind him and asked “were you looking for me?”

What are you doing father?

A boy goes to Confession he saw the priest playing with himself.
Boy ” What are you doing father”
Priest “Its called masturbation and soon you will be doing it”
Boy ” Why do you say that father”
Priest ” Cause my hand is getting tired”

You see all these sheep here?

Whenever a baby was born to this outback African tribe it was cause for great celebration and merriment as the future of the tribe would continue to survive.
However, on the last occasion there was a bit of concern as the baby was white and the only person around for 500 miles that was white was the missionary.

The Chief calls him into his hut and explains the problem and highlights his accusation. The Missionary is put on the spot and slowly strokes his chin, thinking.
” I see your dilemma Oh great Chief. Come with me. ”
They go outside and over to the sheep pen.
“You see all these sheep here? They are all white except that one over there that is black. I will do a deal with you. You do not say anything about the kid and I won’t tell anyone about the sheep, okay ?”

What is in the other sack?

A cop sees an old woman carrying two large sacks. One of the sacks has a hole and is leaking 20 dollar bills.

The cop asks the woman, “Where did an old lady like you get all of that money?”

She replies, “Well, there’s a golf course behind my house and when golfers need to go to the bathroom, they stick their penis through a hole in my fence and pee into my yard. It became a problem because it kills the flowers.”

The cop asks, “So what did you do about it?”

The old lady says, “I get my hedge clippers and I wait behind the fence. When a golfer sticks his penis through the fence, I grab a hold of it and shout GIVE ME $20 OR IT COMES CLEAN OFF!”

“That seems fair enough,” the cop says, “so what’s in the other sack?”

The old lady replies with, “Not everyone pays…”

The teacher walked into the classroom

The teacher walked into the classroom to find the word “penis” chalked in small letters on the board. She was a bit embarrassed, so she didn’t say anything, but rubbed it out and went on with the class.

But the next day when she came in, she found the same thing again – “penis”, this time written slightly larger. So she rubbed it out again, and went on with the lesson.

Again next day, in larger letters, there was the word “penis” again. With a red face she rubbed it out and went on with the lesson.

Well, this went on for a whole week, every day the word penis getting bigger.

Finally, on Friday she went into the classroom to find chalked up: “See, the harder you rub it, the bigger it gets!”

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