Archive for the ‘Birthday’ Category

Would be a very nice birthday

On his birthday, my husband was stuck driving our six rambunctious children around. As usual, they were yelling, punching, and annoying one another. Joel finally had had enough.

“Kids,” he said over the din, “if you would behave and be kind to each other, that would be a very nice birthday present for me.”

Our six-year-old shot back: “Too late, I already got you another present.”

Use this all over yourself

Sam’s girlfriend’s birthday was the same day as his father’s.

He bought his girlfriend a bottle of perfume and his father a pistol.

He wrapped the perfume and wrote a note to his girlfriend, saying, ‘Use this all over yourself and think of me.’

Unfortunately he put the note on his father’s present.

That yellow Lamborghini!

A husband tells his wife,
“Since it is your birthday, remember that yellow Lamborghini that you really wanted?”.

The wife screams in joy and starts crying tears of joy. Then the husband says,
“Well I got you a toothbrush, same color”.

Divorced Barbie comes with

Ralph is driving home one evening, when he suddenly realizes that it’s his daughter’s birthday and he hasn’t bought her a present. He drives to the mall, runs to the toy store, and says to the shop assistant,
“How much is that Barbie in the window?”
In a condescending manner, she says, “Which Barbie?” She continues, “We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.00.” Ralph asks,
“Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.00 when all the others are only $19.95?”
“That’s obvious,” the saleslady says. “Divorced Barbie comes with Ken’s house, Ken’s car, Ken’s boat, Ken’s furniture…”

The Man Who Loved Beans

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible
passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always
had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him.
One day, he met a girl and fell in love.
When it was apparent that they would marry, he thought to
him, ‘She’ll never go through with the marriage with me
carrying on like this’ so he made the supreme sacrifice
and gave up beans. Shortly after that they were married.
A few months later, on the way home from work, his car
broke down and since they lived in the country, he
telephoned his wife and told her that he would be late
because he had to walk.
On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful
aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had
several miles to walk he thought he would walk off any ill
effects before he got home.
So he went in and ordered three extra large helpings of
beans.
All the way home he farted. By the time he arrived home he
felt reasonably safe. His wife met him at the door and
seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, ‘Darling, I have
the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!’
She put a blindfold on him and led him to his chair at the
head of the table and made him promise not to peek. At
this point he was beginning to feel another fart coming
on. Just as his wife was about to remove the blindfold,
the phone rang. She again made him promise not to peek
until she returned and went to answer the phone.
While she was gone, he seized the opportunity.
He shifted his weight to one leg and let go.
It was not only loud, but also ripe as a rotten egg.
He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin
and fanned the air about him.
He had just started to feel better when another urge came
on. He raised his leg and let rip!
It sounded like a diesel engine revving and smelled worse.
To keep himself from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a
while, hoping the smell would dissipate.
Things had just about returned to normal when he felt
another urge coming. He shifted his weight to his other
leg and let go.
This was a real blue ribbon winner; the windows shook, the
dishes on the table rattled and a minute later the flowers
on the table were dead.
While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the
hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded,
he carried on like this for the next 10 minutes, farting
and then fanning each time with his napkin. When he heard
the phone farewells (indicating the end of his loneliness
and freedom) he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and
folded his hands on top of it.
Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when
his wife walked in. Apologising for taking so long, she
asked if he had peeked at the dinner table. After assuring
her he had not peeked, she removed the blindfold and
yelled, ‘SURPRISE!’ To his shock and horror, there were
twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his
surprise birthday party.

old fellow was celebrating 92 years

An old fellow was celebrating 92 years on this Earth. He spoke to his toes. “Hello, toes!” he said, “How are you, toes? You know, you are 92 today. Oh, the times we’ve had! Remember we walked in the park in summer every Sunday afternoon. The times we waltzed on the dance floor? Happy Birthday, toes!”
“Hello, knees,” he continued. “How are you, knees? You know you’re 92 today. Oh, the times we’ve had! Remember when we marched in the parade? Oh the hurdles we’ve jumped together. Happy Birthday knees!”
Then, he looked down at his crotch. “Hello Willie! You little bugger, if you were alive today, you’d be 92.”

The Cause Of Divorce!

On his Birthday, a man named Peter was really upset because none of his family members or near and dear ones wished him.
As he walked into his office, his secretary Anna said, “Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday!”
He felt a bit better knowing that at least someone remembered.
In the lunch time Anna knocked on his door and said, “You know, it’s such a beautiful day outside, and it’s your Birthday, why don’t we go out for lunch, just you and me.”
Peter happily agreed
They had their lunch but on the way back to the office, Anna said, “You know, it’s such a beautiful day…
We don’t have to go right back to the office, do we?”
Peter replied “I suppose not.
What do you have in mind?”
She said, “Let’s go to my apartment, it’s just around the corner.”
After arriving at her apartment, Anna said, “Boss if you don’t mind, I’m going to step into the bedroom for just a moment.
I’ll be right back.”
“Ok.”
He nervously replied.
She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes; she came out carrying a huge birthday cake…
Followed by his wife, his kids, and dozens of his friends, and co-workers, all singing “Happy Birthday”.
And Peter just sat there…
On the couch…
Naked!

Powered by WordPress and Bootstrap4