Archive for the ‘Bar’ Category

What the guy said to piss him off?

A hippie sits down at a bar and tries to order a beer on a tab, but the bartender wants money up front which the hippie doesn’t have. So the guy next to him offers to buy him a beer. They start talking and drinking and drinking and talking. After a while the guy says to the hippie, “come with me to the bathroom and I’ll give you a blow job”.

Suddenly the hippie jumps off his stool, pushes the guy down, and starts kicking the guy repeatedly.

A couple of patrons pull the hippie back. They ask him what the guy said to piss him off so much.

“Something about a job. “

Do you like to travel?

I walked up to a fit girl at a bar the other night and said,

“Hey gorgeous, can I buy you a drink?”

She said, “Do you like sex?”

I said, “Of course I like sex.”

She said, “Do you like to travel?”

I said, “Yeah, I love to travel.”

She said, “Then fuck off.”

Who’s the strongest in here?

A guy walks into a bar and demands to know “Who’s the strongest in here?”

The toughest guy looks at him and says “I am the strongest around here!”

The other guy politely asks “Can you help me push my car to the gas station?”

Do you serve lawyers here?

A man walked into a Florida bar with his alligator and asked the bartender:

“Do you serve lawyers here?”

“Sure.”

“Good. One beer for me and a lawyer for my alligator.”

You are here again!

Two Priests are walking down the street when a drunk man comes up to them.
He says, to the first Priest,” I’m Jesus Christ.”
The Priest reply’s,” No son, you’re not!”
So he says to the second,”I’m Jesus Christ.”
He says,”No, son, you’re not.”
The drunk says,” Look I can prove it.” He takes the two Priests into the bar.
The bartender takes one look at the drunk and says,” JESUS CHRIST YOU’RE HERE AGAIN!!!”

I am from Ireland too!

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.

“Why of course”, comes the reply.

The first man then asks: “Where are you from?”

“I’m from Ireland”, replies the second man.

The first man responds: “You don’t say, I’m from Ireland too! Let’s have another round to Ireland.”

“Of Course”, replies the second man.

Curious, the first man then asks: “Where in Ireland are you from?”

“Dublin”, comes the reply.

“I can’t believe it”, says the first man. “I’m from Dublin too! Let’s have another drink to Dublin.”

“Of course”, replies the second man.

Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: “What school did you go to?”

“Saint Mary’s”, replies the second man. “I graduated in ’62.”

“This is unbelievable!”, the first man says. “I went to Saint Mary’s and I graduated in ’62, too!”

About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar.

“What’s been going on?”, he asks the bartender.

“Nothing much,” replies the bartender. “The O’Malley twins are drunk again.”

Waiting for a fax

A guy walks into a bar and sits down. He starts dialing numbers like he has a telephone on his hand and talking into his hand. The bartender walks over and tells him this is a very tough neighborhood and he doesn’t need any trouble here.

The guy says, “You don’t understand. I’m very hi-tech. I had a phone installed in my hand because I was tired of carrying the cellular.”

The bartender says “Prove it.”

The guy dials up a number and hands his hand to the bartender. The bartender talks into the hand and carries on a conversation. “That’s incredible”, says the bartender… “I would never have believed it!”

“Yeah”, said the guy, “I can keep in touch with my broker, my wife, you name it. By the way, where is the men’s room?” The bartender directs him to the men’s room.

The guy goes in and 5, 10, 20 minutes go by and he doesn’t return.

Fearing the worst given the neighborhood, the bartender goes into the men’s room. There is the guy spread-eagle on the wall. His pants are pulled down and he has a roll of toilet paper up his butt.

“Oh my god!” said the bartender. “Did they rob you? Are you hurt?”

The guy turns and says: “No, I’m ok. I’m just waiting for a fax.”

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