Archive for the ‘Animal’ Category

Walking down the street with his dog

A blind man was walking down the street with his dog.

They stopped at the corner to wait for the passing traffic.

The dog, at this point, started pissing on the mans leg. As the dog finished the man reached into his coat pocket and pulled out a doggie treat and started waving it at the dog.

A passerby saw all the events happening and was shocked. He approached the blind man and asked how he could possibly reward the dog for such a nasty deed.

The blind man replied “Oh I’m not rewarding him, I’m just trying to find his head so I can kick his fucking ass.”

It is the Plumber, Lady

So this Little Old Lady lives in a tiny apartment and only has a pet Parrot to keep her company. The parrot can just say one thing.”Who is it”? One day the Little Old Lady forgets she has an appointment with the Plumber and leaves to run her errands. A little while later the Plumber arrives and Knocks on the Little Old Ladies door.

“Who is it ?” “It’s the Plumber, Lady.” The man replies calmly. “Who is it?” ” It’s the PLUMBER, lady!” “Who is it?”

The man has had enough. ” It’s the PLUMBER LADY! You called me to fix your toilet. I’ve come to fix the toilet, so stop fucking around and let me in already!!”

” Who is it?”

“It’s the Plumber Lad-” the man has a massive Heart Attack right there and drops dead. A Little while later the old lady comes back and sees the nasty surprise waiting for her and says ” Who is this poor man who died at my door?” Her bird replies ” It’s the Plumber.”

Your dog bit my mother in law

A neighbor comes to Mr Myer and says, “Your dog bit my mother in law!”

Mr Myer is horrified and apologizes, adding sadly, “You’ll probably be wanting financial recompense, won’t you?”

“Absolutely not!” smiles the neighbor, “I’d love to buy the dog!”

How he can feed himself

Two elephants meet a totally naked guy. After a while one elephant says to the other:
“I really don’t get how he can feed himself with that thing!”

Priests Donkey

The parish was very poor and the priest tried everything he could to raise money. But the Bingo games didn’t work, the spaghetti dinners & pancake breakfasts didn’t work, he even tried raffling an old Ford and that didn’t help. So the priest though of trying out horse racing. He went to a horse auction and saw that the good horses were way too expensive for a poor parish, so he settled on a little donkey that was standing in the corner.

he was a man of God, he had faith, and ran the donkey. It came in third. There was a little headline in the Racing Form next morning, PRIEST’S ASS SHOWS.

The next race the donkey won, and the headline read, PRIEST’S ASS OUT IN FRONT.

the bishop of the diocese said that the priest had better stop racing the donkey so the church could avoid bad publicity. The next days headline read BISHOP SCRATCHES PRIEST’S ASS and the bishop was livid! He sent a message to stop racing NOW, get rid of the donkey, didn’t even want the beast at the rectory.

so the priest gave the donkey to the mother superior of the cionvent down the road. The headline read NUN HAS THE BEST ASS IN TOWN and the bishop passed out in his cornflakes.

The nun was so torn up with guilt that she sold the donkey to a farmer just outside town. The headline read NUN SELLS HER ASS FOR TEN DOLLARS. They buried the bishop the next day.

You are really ugly

A lady is walking down the street to work and she sees a parrot in a pet store.
The parrot says to her, “Hey lady, you are really ugly.”

Well, the lady is furious! And she storms past the store to her work.
On the way home she saw the same parrot in the window and the parrot said to her,
“Hey lady, you are really ugly.”
Well, she was incredibly ticked now. The next day see saw the same parrot and the parrot said to her,
“Hey lady, you are really ugly.”

The lady was so ticked that she went into the store and said that she would sue the store and kill the bird.
The store manager said, “That’s not good.” and promised he wouldn’t say it again.
When the lady walked past the store after work the parrot said to her,
“Hey lady.” She paused and said,
“Yes?” and the bird said, “You know.”

How to hunt swimmers!

A mom shark is teaching her son how to hunt swimmers properly.

“So, first you go and circle them making sure your fin is showing. And then you go at them full blast and eat them.”

“OK, but why don’t I just go at them full blast and eat them right away?”

“I guess you could, son, but would you really want to eat them with all that shit in their intestines?”

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