I woke up and …

The most suitable suitor!

Father in law: young man you are here to seek my daughter’s hand in
marriage and you are chewing gum? that is lack of respect.
Man: sir I only chew when am drunk or smoked.
Father in law: you mean you drink and smoke?
Man: sir,i only drink and smoke when I go to club.
Father in law: you club too?
Man: i am sorry sir,i started clubbing when i came out of prison.
Father in law: you have been in a prison before?oh my God!
Man: i went to jail when i killed someone.
Father in law: what!!! You are a murderer?
Man: it happened out of anger.it was a certain old man who didn’t allow me
to marry his daughter,so i killed him.
Father in law: you are highly welcome my son.you are in the right track for
my daughter…..

Selling Condoms

Do you want a massage?

“Where’s the barber who worked on the next chair?” asked the old customer as he was getting a shave.

Hadn’t you heard about Bill? said the barber. It was a very sad case.

He grew nervous and despondent over poor business, and one day when a customer said he didn’t care for a massage he suddenly went out of his mind and slashed the customer’s throat. He is in the asylum for the criminal insane now. Will you be having a massage, sir?

Sure, go ahead! said the customer.

Why people say that..

A girl was crying bitterly.

Mom: What happened dear?

Daughter: Mom do I look like a wicked witch?

Mom: No!

Daughter: Are my eyes big as toad?

Mom: No!

Daughter: Is my nose flat?

Mom: No baby!

Daughter: Am I fat like a bulldog?

Mom: You have a fine physique, you are a barbie doll!

Daughter: Then why people tell me that you look like your mom?

She told him to take off her bra

A wealthy man and his wife decided to go to a party. They planned on staying there for the night, so they gave the butler a day off.

Sadly, the wife wasn’t pleased with the party so she decided to go home. When she arrives, she saw John in the dining room. She took him to the sleeping room, and told him to take off her dress.

John did what she asked for.

She told him to also take off her stockings.

John did it without a word.

Then she told him to take off her bra and panties.

Same as before, John didn’t say a word and did what she asked for.

“And now, John”, said the woman, “if I see you in my clothes once again, you lose your job, got it?”

My husband passed away last night

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O’Grady after his Sunday

morning service, and she’s in tears. He says, “So what’s

bothering you, Mary my dear?” She says, “Oh, Father,

I’ve got terrible news. My husband passed away last

night.” The priest says, “Oh, Mary, that’s terrible. Tell me,

Mary, did he have any last requests?” She says, “That

he did, Father.” “The priest says, “What did he ask,

Mary?” She says, “He said, ‘Please Mary, put down that

damn gun.'”

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